DOC JOHNSON ENTERS MUSIC BIZ BY LAUNCHING TOUR WITH SINGING SEX TOY VENDING MACHINE … WE THINK??

In an unprecedented move that is sure to send shockwaves throughout the music industry, sex toy juggernaut DOC JOHNSON is apparently launching some kind of traveling music tour involving a vending machine that shoots dildos or some shit at the crowd. Details are sparse at the moment, but we can only imagine that this will reinvent the music industry as we know it.

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VIDEO: SPOCK BUCKTON AT WORK

It’s entirely possible that you’ve never deigned to imagine what goes on in the average workday of a man like Spock BUCKTON. Which is kinda sad, because you’re missing out on one of nature’s greatest miracles.

We’ve long considered the fact that a human (?) like BUCKTON is even living, let alone functioning and, heck, maybe even thriving in the current work climate to be nothing short of a miracle. The man doesn’t understand basic technology like light switches and somehow manages to pull down over 120k per year. It’s truly stunning.

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DEMI LOVATO DOESN’T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW IF SHE CHOWS BEAVE OR WANG

EDITOR’S NOTE: Spock BUCKTON isn’t the brightest amongst our writing staff. He was asked to write an article about pop singer DEMI LOVATO, but got her confused with legendary porn star and director DANA VESPOLI. Why? Dear god, we have no fucking clue. We stopped trying to figure out how is brain worked years ago.

We did, in fact, ask him to rewrite the article to be more factually appropriate, but he told us, and we quote “BUT I ALREADY WROTE IT.” Then he threw an unused condom at us and told us to “GET A.I.D.S”.

So, here it is… unedtited in all its factually baseless glory…

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REVIEW: MY FIRST BLACK COCK (Archangel Video)

Those of you who are “in the know” may recall the good old days when POPPORN used to produce weekly videos starring topless women. We’d review a recent pornographic film, have some laughs, eat some chicken fingers, blaze up some nugs, break some bones and then go home, spend  week recovering and start it all over again. Well, happy days are here again, idiots!

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SPOCK BUCKTON’S TALES OF FUCKED UP FUCKIN’ #1!

Everybody’s got fucked up stories about fuckin’. Here’s one of mine…

It’s 1997 and a young BUCKTON is only 20 years old and at, what we called in those days, A RAVE. I don’t know what the shit you bozos call ‘em nowadays, but it’s probably abbreviated or an emoji or some shit. Raves were things that you’d go to pretty much exclusively to do drugs, make out with strangers and dance to a bunch of boingy dance music that only sounded good if you were all boinged up on multiple drugs. I guess they were kind of like Burning Man, but people weren’t getting their fingers eaten by hippy trucks called BIG MOMMA.

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I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE SHIT IS GOING ON IN PORN NO FUCKIN’ MORE NEITHER NO HOW

Hello, FUCKWATCHERS. Some of you may remember me, some of you may not. If you don’t – well, you can just eat a bag of cold, hard boners. If you do – you can also eat a bag of cold, hard boners as well but they’ll be the kind of cold, hard boners that you like and not the disgusting fucking ones that the people who don’t remember me will have to eat.

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5 QUESTIONS WITH BRETT ROSSI FROM 300 MILES AWAY!

Adult film superstarfucker Brett Rossi recently found herself feature dancing in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. And since we’re a mere 300 miles away from there, we thought this was about as good an opportunity as we’d get to sit the fan-favorite starlet down for five enthralling questions with our recently exhumed host, Spock BUCKTON. So we grabbed our gear, hopped in the car and…uh…decided that 300 miles was WAAAAAYYYYY too far to travel to shoot one fuckin’ interview.

So we asked some craigslist randos to accost Brett at a local Pittsburgh tavern and read our questions to her and then send the responses to us, via the internet. The results were PRETTY GOOFED!

But really, why are we wasting time writing about this when you could just be watching the video? Reading is STUPID!

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This is a picture of Adriana Chechik

FROM THE VAULT! SPOCK BUCKTON INTERVIEWS ADRIANA CHECHIK!

A very long time ago…like waaaay back in 2013 we interviewed a young lady named Adriana Chechik. She was new to the porn industry but was quickly building a name for herself with an over-the-top personality and willingness to perform outrageous hardcore sex scenes.

Fast forward 4 long years and Adriana is considered one of the top performers working today.

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