This is a picture of Adriana Chechik peeing

IT’S OFFICIAL! ADRIANA CHECHIK’S ‘PUSS’ SPITS BEST!

Well, it’s official. Porn super-slut Adriana Chechik is a “squirt-queen.” At least, that’s what porn auteur Toni Ribas says and no one, I mean, NO one fucks with “Rib-Eye” Ribas.

While we proudly identify as ‘haters’ we really can’t disagree with his recognition of Ms. Chechik’s abilities. Even the most basic internet image search result reveals voluminous examples of her pussy vomiting talents. It’s gross, actually.

We love her, but it’s gross.

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This is a picture of Tori Black

LOOK UPON THE GLORIOUS ALL-GIRL BEAVE-FIESTA CONTAINED WITHIN ‘TORI BLACK IS BACK!’

I tell ya what, thank God the porn industry is a shattered, sinking hull of broken dreams. Otherwise, I doubt we’d ever be able to grab an exclusive glimpse at what will surely be one of the largest fuck flicks of the year.

We mentioned a few back that the legendary Tori Black was returning to porn. Welp, go ahead and whip those boners into a frenzy folks because ‘TORI BLACK IS BACK!‘ comes out next week and we’ve got a scoop!

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This is a picture from the movie Threesome Fantasies Fulfilled

‘POSITIONAL QUARREL’ DURING THREESOME LEADS TO INJURY!

As scat-porn fans and a certain ethnic group will tell you, anything can happen in Germany. For example, who knew a threesome could lead to injury? Well, in Bad Breising that”anything” can and did happen.

The Mirror (a true bastion of independent reporting) posted an article the other day about a ‘threesome from hell’ that resulted in one woman falling ten-feet from a balcony and another tumbling down a flight of stairs. “Ms. Balcony” suffered broken bones in her feet and legs from the fall but was able to successfully orgasm mid-dip.

The second woman (“Ms. Bippin’ & Boppin”), concerned for her friends safety and successful orgasm hustled down a flight of steps only to slip and break bones in her arm and neck.

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This is a picture of the largest penis ever!

ENORMOUS PENIS SKEWS BELL CURVE PISSING OFF LEGIONS OF SELF-CONSCIOUS MEN…LIKE US!

As you might assume from the writing on this blog, we here at POPPORN are very short on confidence. As balding, tubby men who are uglier than Ernest Borgnine we’re essentially on the verge of suicide at all times. In fact, the only thing we have going for us (the one thing that keeps us from the brink of collapse) are our beautiful penises. Seriously, ask anyone. Our dicks are impressive.

Studies report that the average erect penis length is 5.5 inches. The average POPPORN staff member penis size is 5.8 inches in length making us 5% larger than the average. 5% larger than you, fuckers. We’re huge!

Or, at least we thought so until this asshole came along!

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IN SHOCKING NEWS, REMOVING YOUR CONDOM MID-COITUS MAY PUT YOU IN LEGAL JEOPARDY!!

This post serves as a public service announcement to the male members of our audience.

Gentlemen, while some of you may believe it’s your God-given right to be total and unadulterated douche-bags, none of you should believe that it’s acceptable behavior to take your condom off while having sex with someone without that person’s consent.

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AVN TO HOST HOUSE PARTY (BUT IT’S ACTUALLY AN OFFICE PARTY) TOMORROW, JUNE 13!

Attention members of the adult entertainment community!

If you’ve ever wanted to hang out with porn industry “professionals” or adult media moguls but would rather drink stagnant pond water than host any of them at your own home, this news could be of interest.

On June 13th AVN will host a “House Party” at their offices located in Chatsworth, CA. Rather than send folks to a beautiful, hard-to-find Hollywood hills mansion or a hip restaurant, they’ve kindly opened up their office cubicle farm for what will surely be the house party/office event of the summer.

They report ample, free parking will be available!

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ALEXIS FAWX SIGNS EXCLUSIVE GIRL/GIRL CONTRACT WORTH ESTIMATED $3280.72!

It was announced yesterday that porn super star Alexis Fawx signed an exclusive, one-year girl/girl contract with Mile High Media. Under the agreement, Fawx will only perform girl/girl scenes (those are scenes which feature two girls (not women) having sex with each other) for Mile High’s imprint labels including Sweetheart Video, Girlsway and Lesbian X.

“I’m so thankful to Mile High and [vice president] Jon Blitt for this exciting and amazing opportunity to be under exclusive contract for all of my girl/girl scenes with Sweetheart Video, Girlsway and Lesbian X over the next year,” Fawx said which is kind of exactly what I said in the previous paragraph.

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SENATOR MCCAIN STROKES OUT DURING COMEY TESTIMONY!

Were you one of the many individuals day-drinking while watching former FBI-Director James Comey’s testimony to the Senate intelligence committee?

Well, if you were, perhaps you noticed Senator John McCain stroke out on live television during his questioning opportunity.

You probably found his delirium humorous if you, like me, enjoy seeing older white men have strokes on live television. By the way…

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FLORIDA MAN ACQUITTED AFTER USING THE OL’ BIG PENIS DEFENSE

The last time I murdered someone I used an admittedly flimsy defense centered around a Victorian-era novel called ‘Lady Audley’s Secret‘ and M&M’s. And while you may be shocked to learn I was eventually acquitted using such a ridiculous defense there is actually a long history of dubious excuses that could be offered up in the event you too, happen to murder someone.

Sure, your “excuse Rolodex” may immediately flip and flap over to the Twinkie, Matrix or homicidal somnambulism defense, but don’t ever overlook the tried and true Big Penis Defense.

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