DEMI LOVATO DOESN’T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW IF SHE CHOWS BEAVE OR WANG

EDITOR’S NOTE: Spock BUCKTON isn’t the brightest amongst our writing staff. He was asked to write an article about pop singer DEMI LOVATO, but got her confused with legendary porn star and director DANA VESPOLI. Why? Dear god, we have no fucking clue. We stopped trying to figure out how is brain worked years ago.

We did, in fact, ask him to rewrite the article to be more factually appropriate, but he told us, and we quote “BUT I ALREADY WROTE IT.” Then he threw an unused condom at us and told us to “GET A.I.D.S”.

So, here it is… unedtited in all its factually baseless glory…

Read More

SPOCK BUCKTON’S TALES OF FUCKED UP FUCKIN’ #1!

Everybody’s got fucked up stories about fuckin’. Here’s one of mine…

It’s 1997 and a young BUCKTON is only 20 years old and at, what we called in those days, A RAVE. I don’t know what the shit you bozos call ‘em nowadays, but it’s probably abbreviated or an emoji or some shit. Raves were things that you’d go to pretty much exclusively to do drugs, make out with strangers and dance to a bunch of boingy dance music that only sounded good if you were all boinged up on multiple drugs. I guess they were kind of like Burning Man, but people weren’t getting their fingers eaten by hippy trucks called BIG MOMMA.

Read More

ALL IT TAKES IS ONE WEIRD MASK TO RUIN A PORN SCENE.

Christ almighty, Marc Dorcel. You guys were so close!

We just saw a handful of photos from Dorcel’s upcoming flick, Cara & Lucy: Escorts Deluxe, and while we’re big fans of the movie itself (it’s got some real good bangin’ in it), and big fans of the studio in general, we’ve got to take a little bit of umbrage with the choice to put the one dude in this weird leather pig-mask thing.

Read More

XBIZ ASSOCIATE EDITOR OVER-WRITES ARTICLE IN ATTEMPT TO USURP LINGUISTIC DOMINANCE FROM SOME OTHER PERSON WRITING ABOUT PORN!

Yesterday, Xbiz Associate Editor, Alejandro Freixes delivered a feature article so exquisitely written that we’re considering smashing our collective hands in our desk drawers as an act of devotion to his ethereal prose.

Freixes’ subtle and extremely nuanced piece (a profile of Evil Angel Video CFO Adam Grayson) unloaded a volley of expression that we’ve never seen attempted before. Certainly not in an industry heretofore known for its lack of basic education.

Read More

IN SHOCKING NEWS, REMOVING YOUR CONDOM MID-COITUS MAY PUT YOU IN LEGAL JEOPARDY!!

This post serves as a public service announcement to the male members of our audience.

Gentlemen, while some of you may believe it’s your God-given right to be total and unadulterated douche-bags, none of you should believe that it’s acceptable behavior to take your condom off while having sex with someone without that person’s consent.

Read More