UNPRODUCED FUCK MOVIE SCENES # 1

I don’t know how many of you greazed-up, dickwackers and beave-polishers know this about me and the rest of the POPPORN crew – but there was once a time when we were big time fuckin’ porn screenwriters and directors. Hell, I was even nominated for BEST NON SEX PERFORMER like 4 times or some shit. Of course, I kept losing to either some dood who played Porno Bill Cosby or James BARF-A-LOT. But we all know how time has treated them…

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DOC JOHNSON ENTERS MUSIC BIZ BY LAUNCHING TOUR WITH SINGING SEX TOY VENDING MACHINE … WE THINK??

In an unprecedented move that is sure to send shockwaves throughout the music industry, sex toy juggernaut DOC JOHNSON is apparently launching some kind of traveling music tour involving a vending machine that shoots dildos or some shit at the crowd. Details are sparse at the moment, but we can only imagine that this will reinvent the music industry as we know it.

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LANA RHOADS + ADRIANA CHECHIK = BIG TIME BEEFIN’!

UPDATE: The Lana Rhoades tweet seen later in this story is actually from the day BEFORE the incident, a fact we were hipped to by Adriana Chechik via twitter. While we would NEVER attempt to be actual journalists or present any manner of integrity in our writing, we figured we ought to clear the air and correct ourselves. We’re dummies. It’s kinda our thing. Sorry!

Word on the street is that Lana Rhoades and Adriana Chechik beefed BIG TIME during this weekend’s night moves awards! We weren’t there, and we don’t really believe in asking “sources” so we really don’t have any goddamn idea what sparked the incident, but suffice it to say, it sounds like SHIT WAS FUCKED UP. And as a result, Ms. Rhoades has been dropped from LA Models! Whuh-oh!

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DEMI LOVATO DOESN’T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW IF SHE CHOWS BEAVE OR WANG

EDITOR’S NOTE: Spock BUCKTON isn’t the brightest amongst our writing staff. He was asked to write an article about pop singer DEMI LOVATO, but got her confused with legendary porn star and director DANA VESPOLI. Why? Dear god, we have no fucking clue. We stopped trying to figure out how is brain worked years ago.

We did, in fact, ask him to rewrite the article to be more factually appropriate, but he told us, and we quote “BUT I ALREADY WROTE IT.” Then he threw an unused condom at us and told us to “GET A.I.D.S”.

So, here it is… unedtited in all its factually baseless glory…

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THINGS JUST GOT A WHOLE LOT SEXIER AT EAST COAST NEWS!

We do not know anything about the inner workings of the adult industry. Sure, we’ve been knee deep in the shit for a while now but it’s not like anyone is letting us in on any secrets. So, when we report on corporate press releases it’s usually a sign that either it’s a slow news day or something just got a whole lot sexier.

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WARNING: THIS POST IS NOT PORNOGRAPHIC, UNLESS CHICKEN FINGERS MAKE YOU CUM (LIKE THEY DO WITH US).

Guys, I got really hungry and found myself googling “stuffed crust chicken finger” in order to find out if Pizza Hut makes a pizza that uses chicken fingers instead of crust. It would go to stand that they do, because they’re always making all kinds of ridiculous monstrosity pizzas.

Sorry to say, Pizza Hut really screwed the fuckin’ pooch on this one. Because, as far as I can tell, THEY DON’T MAKE THIS KIND OF PIZZA.

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GUARD YOUR DICK, LANA RHOADES IS DOING TWO ANALS AT ONCE!

It seems like it wasn’t all that long ago that Lana Rhoades did her first anal sex scene. Because of Lana’s unrelenting prettiness, all of us doofs in the porn world were naturally wowed and amazed, as evidenced by all the jit that started shooting out of our bodies when we saw it happen.

Now, a mere two months or so later, Lana’s suddenly jumping right into TWO ANALS at once! For those of you not in the know, “double anal” is when two dudes (usually Mick Blue and one other guy) mash their dicks together into one big “superdick” and then that dick goes inside a girl’s anal-hole!

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This is a picture of Adriana Chechik peeing

IT’S OFFICIAL! ADRIANA CHECHIK’S ‘PUSS’ SPITS BEST!

Well, it’s official. Porn super-slut Adriana Chechik is a “squirt-queen.” At least, that’s what porn auteur Toni Ribas says and no one, I mean, NO one fucks with “Rib-Eye” Ribas.

While we proudly identify as ‘haters’ we really can’t disagree with his recognition of Ms. Chechik’s abilities. Even the most basic internet image search result reveals voluminous examples of her pussy vomiting talents. It’s gross, actually.

We love her, but it’s gross.

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