VIDEO: SAVING (AND ENSLAVING) SOULS WITH JOJO KISS

Guys, we met Jojo Kiss! And she was awesome! We talked about a wide variety of things, including getting double-teamed by America’s last president and VP (POPPORN does not recognize the authority of the carnival-clown goon who sits in the office these days), and whether or not BUCKTON enjoys sucking dick.

It was a heck of a conversation, so stop wasting your fucking life and just go watch it already, jeez!

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POPPORN NOMINATED FOR AVN & XBIZ AWARDS! OTHERS POSSIBLY ALSO NOMINATED!

It’s possible that you haven’t been paying attention or the past week or so.

We say this because, at the time of this writing, we’ve yet to get a single bouquet of flowers, a single congratulatory fruit basket, a single no-strings-attached consensual handjob…it’s almost like no one out there even CARES that we’re once again basking in our nomination for the retail site of the year! It’s an honor that we’ve enjoyed many, many times. Sure, we’ve never actually WON, but we all know that you don’t have to actually WIN to be the best. Think about it – how many oscars has Robert DeNiro won? None, right? Yet he’s widely regarded as a legend.

So, y’know, the heck with it. We look forward to the awards presentation in January, knowing that whoever takes home the award totally wishes that they were us.

Also, from what we’ve been told, a whole bunch of other people have been nominated for awards, too!

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UNPRODUCED FUCK MOVIE SCENES PART #2

Now, listen up you dumb fucks – are you ready for CHAPTER TWO in my ongoing series of UNPRODUCED FUCK MOVIE SCENES that the adult industry is too much of a fucking wuss to pump some big time bucks into in order to get produced just so you bumblenecked clowns can download it for free?

ANSWER – Yes, sir. I AM READY FOR THAT.

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BAEB’S SECOND RELEASE APPEARS TO BE AS MUCH OF A BIG-TIME BONER JAM AS THE FIRST! COULD THIS BE A TREND?

Take cover, Vixen! Your days as the classiest-looking studio in porn appear ot be numbered, because Baeb’s second release is here and it appears to be making our dicks puke out cum even more than their first release!

Festival Teens is coming your way November 20th and man oh MAN it looks like the sort of thing we like to cum to! We don’t really have any idea as of yet if there’s a theme that runs through the movie, but we’re gonna go ahead and assume that it involves four standalone-yet-related stories that focus on the trials and tribulations of four young women attempting to gain access into various music festivals. If we had to guess offhand, we’d say the festivals in question are the original Lollapalooza, Coachella 2004, Woodstock ’99 and The Moscow Music Peace Festival.

(Photos after the jump!)

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WE’RE ON OUR WAY TO EXXXOTICA NJ! WATCH YOUR FUCKIN’ ASSES!

Hey everybody, guess what?! POPPORN is hitting the road and heading out to Exxxotica NJ, the East Coast’s biggest and best celebration of wangs and cunts mashing together! It’s gonna be awesome!

While we’re there, we’ll be shooting all kinds of interviews with big-time pornographers – just LOOK at everyone who’s gonna be there! And if BUCKTON has his way, we’ll also be interviewing all kinds of former (and sometimes dead) porn stars! Oh boy, it’s gonna be something!

 

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GUYS, OUR NEW CATALOG IS HERE AND NOW YOUR PENIS IS GOING TO EXPLODE! WHOOPS!

OMFG, LOOK AT THIS COVER!

We’re not usually prone to tooting our own horns (unless we feel like it, which we always do), but man, we kinda knocked it outta the park with this one. The latest POPPORN catalog has just gone through the rigorous design process (in which we personally masturbate to each page to ensure it’s awesome enough for you) and is currently at the printer, preparing to mail into the homes of a billion or so porn-sucking Americans like you!

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11 GIFS THAT ILLUSTRATE THE AWESOME FUCK POWER OF FRANCE!

Hey doofuses! We’re running a big-time video-on-demand salestravaganza thing over at POPPORN proper, and we thought you may be into it! For the entire month, any Marc Dorcel movie is 30 fucking percent off, which is a big-time motherfuckin’ deal for those of you who like saving money while you cum! Also, a lot of these movies involve mothers getting fucked, so the term “motherfucking” is really accurate here!

If you’re not familiar with Dorcel’s brand of French fucketry, mayhaps these bunch of fuckin’ GIFs will whet your appetite?

Many more after the jump!

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DO YOU LIKE EATING BURGERS? FUCK YOU, WE DO TOO!

Adult star Puma Swede is really good at bangin’ it out on camera. Obviously. That’s what makes her an “adult star” rather than just a nondescript “banged-out persona“. As it turns out, though, while Ms. Swede is clearly pretty big on working with various types of meat (that’s a euphemism for dicks and maybe pussy lips), her true desires lie more in the literal meat arena!

What we’re taking a long time to say (with stupid jokes, no less) is that Puma Swede is opening a burger restaurant called PUMA BURGER!

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THE 5 BEST MOVIES TO MASTURBATE TO WHILE YOU’RE WASTING YOUR LIFE STARING AT YOUR PHONE THIS WEEKEND!

Hey dopes! Why aren’t you masturbating right now! You think you have something better to do with your lives? GET REAL! The next Starwar movie doesn’t come out for, like, two months and as far as we can tell, there’s nothing on your schedule between now and then, so you really should be spending that time getting the jit out of your bodies. Otherwise, it’s pretty likely that you’ll start cumming all over the movie theatre the first time fuckin’ General Hux shows up on screen, and then you’ll probably get ejected from the theatre and you won’t even get to see the major Porg-fuckin’ scene at the end (and lord knows you don’t want to miss that)!

(Editor’s note: if you don’t know what Porgs are…seriously, fuck you.)

Anyway, as long as you’re wasting your life (it’s okay, we all are), here are some good ways to pass the time and expel semen:

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BIG TIME HOOCHIE MAMA JOANNA ANGEL LAUNCHES HER OWN BRAND OF HOOCH FOR HOOCH LOVERS ALL OVER HOOCHTOWN

Popular, prolific, punk-dressing, punk-hair-having, porno princess JOANNA ANGEL and this dude named SMALLS HAND are releasing their own brand of whiskey for all you porn lovers who are so filled with shame from whacking off that you need to get big time loaded all the fuckin’ time!

The whiskey is called DOOM’S… which kind of seems weird since it isn’t Dr. Doom’s whiskey at all – it’s Joanna Angel’s and Smalls Hand’s. But hey, they’re the rich people and I’m not so WHO THE HELL AM I TO ARGUE?

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