In an unprecedented move that is sure to send shockwaves throughout the music industry, sex toy juggernaut DOC JOHNSON is apparently launching some kind of traveling music tour involving a vending machine that shoots dildos or some shit at the crowd. Details are sparse at the moment, but we can only imagine that this will reinvent the music industry as we know it.
We’re used to seeing adult performers shill this or that on twitter. It sort of comes with the gig. You shoot your movies and whatnot, but then you plug the retail sites that sell them, the studios that release them, the clubs you dance at, the cam sites that fake shark bites to gain traction in this ever-more-challenging world.
And now, apparently, your toothpase!
EDITOR’S NOTE: Spock BUCKTON isn’t the brightest amongst our writing staff. He was asked to write an article about pop singer DEMI LOVATO, but got her confused with legendary porn star and director DANA VESPOLI. Why? Dear god, we have no fucking clue. We stopped trying to figure out how is brain worked years ago.
We did, in fact, ask him to rewrite the article to be more factually appropriate, but he told us, and we quote “BUT I ALREADY WROTE IT.” Then he threw an unused condom at us and told us to “GET A.I.D.S”.
So, here it is… unedtited in all its factually baseless glory…
An older, nearly dead couple told family and friends today that they are really looking forward to the new “porn” movie ‘Bad Babes, Inc.’ from Adam & Eve.
Ante and Blaga Horvat, who married shortly after the end of World War II, will celebrate their 70th wedding anniversary this year. When asked how they keep the heat in their stubbornly persistent relationship Ante, a decorated Russian war hero responded, “Mildly erotic adult films from Adam & Eve can, in some instances, provide enough stimulation to cause any, as-yet, non-congealed blood in my body to slowly ooze into my little kroshka.” Blaga quietly added, “I like milk and crackers.”
As our sweat shorts can attest, quality may not be our thing but that doesn’t mean we don’t recognize it when we see it.
In a quality profile piece published earlier today on AVN.com, two-time AVN Director of the Year Greg Lansky, a representative of quality, appeared in a subtle little Versace number that reminded us how stubbornly fluid heterosexuality can be.
GUYS, 2017’s AVN AWARD WINNER IS COMING!
Brad Armstrong, best known for his raging Canadian boner and socially-aware erotica, is back with a brand new, totally “woke” movie that’s aimed squarely at whoever chooses the AVN winners (which we’re pretty sure is this guy).
Set in the not-too-distant future, Takers tackles the political hot potato of healthcare, a topic we’d say is “wicked” relevant this week (get it? Wicked?), by imagining a world where rising costs have made black market surgical procedures the norm and patients are forced to do all kinds of crazy shit (mostly blowing dudes and stuff) to secure the care they need.
As evidenced by the photo that accompanies this article, CamasutraVR (a self funded startup that is seeking to create the next level of adult entertainment) reluctantly admitted today that it really didn’t have any idea what it was doing.
Internal CamasutraVR documents obtained by POPPORN show that after spending a couple days researching the technology, staff at CamasutraVR have only managed to attach hundreds of cameras to a hastily assembled structure made of PVC piping.
It was announced yesterday that porn super star Alexis Fawx signed an exclusive, one-year girl/girl contract with Mile High Media. Under the agreement, Fawx will only perform girl/girl scenes (those are scenes which feature two girls (not women) having sex with each other) for Mile High’s imprint labels including Sweetheart Video, Girlsway and Lesbian X.
“I’m so thankful to Mile High and [vice president] Jon Blitt for this exciting and amazing opportunity to be under exclusive contract for all of my girl/girl scenes with Sweetheart Video, Girlsway and Lesbian X over the next year,” Fawx said which is kind of exactly what I said in the previous paragraph.
No, no, stop that. We don’t mean you. We are welcoming ourselves back to the horror that is adult entertainment blogging.
You are welcome!
Now, to begin, we just want to reiterate that our blog is barely a blip on the radar of human existence and that writing a blog is barely evidence of having talents beyond those required to mash potatoes. However, if you’re going to get upset about something a blog writes on it’s grimy walls of disgust, at least have the common sense to review the source prior to getting your dick bent in half over what gets written on these pages.