Now, listen up you dumb fucks – are you ready for CHAPTER TWO in my ongoing series of UNPRODUCED FUCK MOVIE SCENES that the adult industry is too much of a fucking wuss to pump some big time bucks into in order to get produced just so you bumblenecked clowns can download it for free?
Popular, prolific, punk-dressing, punk-hair-having, porno princess JOANNA ANGEL and this dude named SMALLS HAND are releasing their own brand of whiskey for all you porn lovers who are so filled with shame from whacking off that you need to get big time loaded all the fuckin’ time!
The whiskey is called DOOM’S… which kind of seems weird since it isn’t Dr. Doom’s whiskey at all – it’s Joanna Angel’s and Smalls Hand’s. But hey, they’re the rich people and I’m not so WHO THE HELL AM I TO ARGUE?
I don’t know how many of you greazed-up, dickwackers and beave-polishers know this about me and the rest of the POPPORN crew – but there was once a time when we were big time fuckin’ porn screenwriters and directors. Hell, I was even nominated for BEST NON SEX PERFORMER like 4 times or some shit. Of course, I kept losing to either some dood who played Porno Bill Cosby or James BARF-A-LOT. But we all know how time has treated them…
In an unprecedented move that is sure to send shockwaves throughout the music industry, sex toy juggernaut DOC JOHNSON is apparently launching some kind of traveling music tour involving a vending machine that shoots dildos or some shit at the crowd. Details are sparse at the moment, but we can only imagine that this will reinvent the music industry as we know it.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Spock BUCKTON isn’t the brightest amongst our writing staff. He was asked to write an article about pop singer DEMI LOVATO, but got her confused with legendary porn star and director DANA VESPOLI. Why? Dear god, we have no fucking clue. We stopped trying to figure out how is brain worked years ago.
We did, in fact, ask him to rewrite the article to be more factually appropriate, but he told us, and we quote “BUT I ALREADY WROTE IT.” Then he threw an unused condom at us and told us to “GET A.I.D.S”.
So, here it is… unedtited in all its factually baseless glory…
Everybody’s got fucked up stories about fuckin’. Here’s one of mine…
It’s 1997 and a young BUCKTON is only 20 years old and at, what we called in those days, A RAVE. I don’t know what the shit you bozos call ‘em nowadays, but it’s probably abbreviated or an emoji or some shit. Raves were things that you’d go to pretty much exclusively to do drugs, make out with strangers and dance to a bunch of boingy dance music that only sounded good if you were all boinged up on multiple drugs. I guess they were kind of like Burning Man, but people weren’t getting their fingers eaten by hippy trucks called BIG MOMMA.
Hello, FUCKWATCHERS. Some of you may remember me, some of you may not. If you don’t – well, you can just eat a bag of cold, hard boners. If you do – you can also eat a bag of cold, hard boners as well but they’ll be the kind of cold, hard boners that you like and not the disgusting fucking ones that the people who don’t remember me will have to eat.