Hey everybody, guess what?! POPPORN is hitting the road and heading out to Exxxotica NJ, the East Coast’s biggest and best celebration of wangs and cunts mashing together! It’s gonna be awesome!
While we’re there, we’ll be shooting all kinds of interviews with big-time pornographers – just LOOK at everyone who’s gonna be there! And if BUCKTON has his way, we’ll also be interviewing all kinds of former (and sometimes dead) porn stars! Oh boy, it’s gonna be something!
We’re not usually prone to tooting our own horns (unless we feel like it, which we always do), but man, we kinda knocked it outta the park with this one. The latest POPPORN catalog has just gone through the rigorous design process (in which we personally masturbate to each page to ensure it’s awesome enough for you) and is currently at the printer, preparing to mail into the homes of a billion or so porn-sucking Americans like you!
Hey doofuses! We’re running a big-time video-on-demand salestravaganza thing over at POPPORN proper, and we thought you may be into it! For the entire month, any Marc Dorcel movie is 30 fucking percent off, which is a big-time motherfuckin’ deal for those of you who like saving money while you cum! Also, a lot of these movies involve mothers getting fucked, so the term “motherfucking” is really accurate here!
If you’re not familiar with Dorcel’s brand of French fucketry, mayhaps these bunch of fuckin’ GIFs will whet your appetite?
Adult star Puma Swede is really good at bangin’ it out on camera. Obviously. That’s what makes her an “adult star” rather than just a nondescript “banged-out persona“. As it turns out, though, while Ms. Swede is clearly pretty big on working with various types of meat (that’s a euphemism for dicks and maybe pussy lips), her true desires lie more in the literal meat arena!
What we’re taking a long time to say (with stupid jokes, no less) is that Puma Swede is opening a burger restaurant called PUMA BURGER!
Hey dopes! Why aren’t you masturbating right now! You think you have something better to do with your lives? GET REAL! The next Starwar movie doesn’t come out for, like, two months and as far as we can tell, there’s nothing on your schedule between now and then, so you really should be spending that time getting the jit out of your bodies. Otherwise, it’s pretty likely that you’ll start cumming all over the movie theatre the first time fuckin’ General Hux shows up on screen, and then you’ll probably get ejected from the theatre and you won’t even get to see the major Porg-fuckin’ scene at the end (and lord knows you don’t want to miss that)!
(Editor’s note: if you don’t know what Porgs are…seriously, fuck you.)
Anyway, as long as you’re wasting your life (it’s okay, we all are), here are some good ways to pass the time and expel semen:
Porn’s most treasured auteur, Greg Lansky, has once again waved his hands in the air and made fuckin’ magic! How, you might ask? By having noted porn newcomer Kendra Sunderland, perhaps best known as that girl who flashed her juggs in a library for some reason, in her first interracial gangbang!
As you’ll see in the trailer, the premise of the “epic” scene is pretty simple. Kendra goes over to her boyfriend’s house to hang out by his pool and soon, for some reason, starts blowing him in front of his friends. IT’S A TOTALLY NORMAL THING TO DO!
Anyway, watch the trailer and maybe you can have an orgasm!
Anyone who’s seen Spock BUCKTON in action should not be surprised to find that most women refuse to be in the same room with him. So, while we were lucky enough to score an interview with porn superstar Kimmy Granger, we were forced, once again, to conduct the interview from a minimum of 300 miles away, via satellite from our Pittsburgh offices.
A full US State’s distance between interviewer and interviewee was actually one of the conditions listed in the agreement Kimmy asked us to sign. Sigh…we’ll take it.
Hey! The weekend is here, and while many would use that to take in a show, go camping or maybe even work on a home improvement project, we know better than that. The weekend is, to anyone who knows a thing or two about enjoying life, a time to whack off as much as possible to as many things as possible!
With that in mind, our stellar VOD service happens to have a few suggestions for you! Read on to see POPPORN’s top5 VOD picks, but we’ll warn you…it might get a little bit disgusting!
A lot of people think it’s easy to be as wise and revered as we here at POPPORN are, but they’d be wrong. Sitting in judgment of all of God’s creations can be a tricky business, but someone has to do it, and if not us, who? Neil fucking Gorsuch? That guy can’t judge his way out of a dickhole competition!
(Wait, don’t leave yet! There’s pussy photos later in the article!)
UPDATE: The Lana Rhoades tweet seen later in this story is actually from the day BEFORE the incident, a fact we were hipped to by Adriana Chechik via twitter. While we would NEVER attempt to be actual journalists or present any manner of integrity in our writing, we figured we ought to clear the air and correct ourselves. We’re dummies. It’s kinda our thing. Sorry!
Word on the street is that Lana Rhoades and Adriana Chechik beefed BIG TIME during this weekend’s night moves awards! We weren’t there, and we don’t really believe in asking “sources” so we really don’t have any goddamn idea what sparked the incident, but suffice it to say, it sounds like SHIT WAS FUCKED UP. And as a result, Ms. Rhoades has been dropped from LA Models! Whuh-oh!