THE 5 BEST MOVIES TO MASTURBATE TO WHILE YOU'RE WASTING YOUR LIFE STARING AT YOUR PHONE THIS WEEKEND!

Hey dopes! Why aren’t you masturbating right now! You think you have something better to do with your lives? GET REAL! The next Starwar movie doesn’t come out for, like, two months and as far as we can tell, there’s nothing on your schedule between now and then, so you really should be spending that time getting the jit out of your bodies. Otherwise, it’s pretty likely that you’ll start cumming all over the movie theatre the first time fuckin’ General Hux shows up on screen, and then you’ll probably get ejected from the theatre and you won’t even get to see the major Porg-fuckin’ scene at the end (and lord knows you don’t want to miss that)!

(Editor’s note: if you don’t know what Porgs are…seriously, fuck you.)

Anyway, as long as you’re wasting your life (it’s okay, we all are), here are some good ways to pass the time and expel semen:

 

1. MILLENNIALS FUCK BETTER 3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Like most people who spend time actually reading porn blogs (and those of us who write them), you’re probably getting older and not feeling so great about where your life’s gone. But hold on a sec, it turns out that even PORN is laughing at us! The porn industry is now making movies that actively point out the ways that the world’s youth is surpassing us. In this case, Private’s taken time out of their day to let us all know that millenials fuck better than us crusty old codgers.

While we find it a little rude that they had to point it out in the title of their movie, we can’t deny that they’ve got a point: millenials DO fuck better! They also probably don’t have the cholesterol levels and back problems that we do!

Oh well, fucking was fun while it lasted! It’s still fun to watch, though!

WATCH

 

2. THE ART OF ANAL SEX VOL. 5

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We don’t really have a whole lot of jokes to make about this one. We’re just kinda head over heels enamored with Lena Paul, and she gets her ass screwed in this movie! Also, since most of our staff is made up of unsuccessful artists in one form or another, it’s nice to see that the definition of art has been corrupted enough that watching Mick Blue cram his peen into a woman’s butthole now qualifies as high art. Well done, culture!

So, uh, how bout you just fuckin’ go watch it, huh?

WATCH

 

3. 16 HAIRY ASSHOLES

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Before you rule this movie out, let us clarify! This movie is NOT, as the title suggests, about unpleasant people with lots of body hair. Like that total asshole Mandy Patinkin. Rather, this movie is about buttholes with lots of hair on them! Which, y’know, should make for hours of enjoyment for just about anybody! Especially because there’s 16 of them. DOn’t find this one hairy asshole appealing? There’s 15 more where that came from!

WATCH THIS MOVIE (IT’S ABOUT RECTUMS)

 

4. ANAL CUTIES VOL. 7

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Okay, so you know how there are a lot of movies out there that focus on ugly people having anal sex? Well, this movie turns the tables on that trend by casting cute young women, and then asking them to have anal sex with guys like Ramon Nomar or…sigh…Mick Blue.

Really. Why does it always have to be Mick Blue?

WATCH

 

5. BIG NATURAL TITS DANGLING MADLY

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lots of movies involve big natural tits, but so many of them leave us screaming at our screens “WHY AREN’T THOSE TITS DANGLING MADLY” until we pass out. Luckily, this movie rectifies this all-too-common blunder by making big whammin’ juggs dangle all the fuck over the place! Neat, huh?

If you’re fed up with movies where things dangle in too cavalier a fashion, this is the movie for you!

WATCH

 

 

Also, we have this movie:

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