Popular, prolific, punk-dressing, punk-hair-having, porno princess JOANNA ANGEL and this dude named SMALLS HAND are releasing their own brand of whiskey for all you porn lovers who are so filled with shame from whacking off that you need to get big time loaded all the fuckin’ time!
The whiskey is called DOOM’S… which kind of seems weird since it isn’t Dr. Doom’s whiskey at all – it’s Joanna Angel’s and Smalls Hand’s. But hey, they’re the rich people and I’m not so WHO THE HELL AM I TO ARGUE?
When asked about why the hell they would want to get into the highly competitive hooch business, Angel and Smalls Hand had the following to say…
“I love whiskey,” Smalls Hand said.
GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!
“It’s rock and roll,” Angel said. “We’re not making a vodka. We’re not rappers.”
NOT RAPPERS, EH? Well, Ms. Angel. I BEG TO DIFFER…
And lying about her secret career as a rapper isn’t the only suspicious bit of information that came out of their hooch launch. Feast on THIS buncha questionable claims…
“This is not a licensing deal,” Angel said. “We didn’t slap our name on someone else’s product. We have our own distillery, in Oklahoma. We own a little part of it. This is ours.”
But, Ms. Angel – you didn’t slap your name on this product AT ALL. You slapped Victor Von Doom’s name on it. Are you trying to tell the world that you are, in fact, in league with the greatest supervillain the world has ever known? If so… this is THE SCOOP OF THE MOTHERFUCKIN’ CENTURY.
We reached out to Doctor Doom for comment on what very well may be his plot to insert mind controlling drugs into the whiskey being touted by Joanna Angel and Smalls Hand and he responded with this vague, yet hilarious retort.
“DOOM knows nothing of what you speak,” said Victor Von Doom from his Latvian Castle. “While DOOM might whack the fuck off to Ms. Angel’s personal, pubetastic, pussy pounding, pleat-flattening, poo-hole puncturing brand of alternative fuck movies – he has no interest in joining forces with such a lady. DOOM would probably just be trying to get her to put her pussy all over me whenever we had a moment alone together. Now if you’ll excuse me, my Doombots have almost mastered the formula that makes mind-controlling drugs undetectable when combined with blended rye whiskey. Don’t print that last part, ok?”
(Editor’s Note – Doom’s Whiskey does not contain undetectable mind-controlling drugs. Unless, that is, you consider whiskey a mind-controlling drug… which it kind of is).
When asked to elaborate on the details of Dr. Doom’s new whiskey that he is forcing Angel and Smalls Hand to sell against their will, Smalls Hand added “The whiskey is cool, but I want everything to be cool. The bottles, the T-shirts … I built my whole life making cool shit. If I’m behind it, you better believe every part of it is attempted to be as cool as I can make it.”
While I’ve never heard of whiskey bottles that keep their whiskey cold, I guess that’s a good thing if you’re some kinda pussy who drinks cold whiskey. I am, however, intrigued by these “cool” T-shirts that he mentioned. The older I get, the more HOT everything gets! Imagine if their was some kinda en-coolening T-shirt you could wear so you didn’t sweat while you ate. Bravo, Smalls Hand! Brav-the fuck-o!
Commercial wholesale distribution for Doom’s is handled through Ontario-based liquor distributor 88 Spirits. “The whiskey is a really good blend,” 88 Spirits president Hari Dhiman told AVN. “It’s made at a small family-owned distillery, the presentation is really good, and the people behind it have a history and a story behind it.”
When we reached out to Hari Dhiman about what kind of history and story is behind the small, family-owned distillery responsible for the production of Doom’s Whiskey, he totally ignored us. By ignoring us, we can only assume that the history of this distillery is that the people who run it our fuckin’ bonkers and they like to dig up skeletons and grind up the bones, add it to their whiskey stills so they can drink the souls of their enemies thus gaining their skeleton power. Skeleton power is really big in Oklahoma. Those people are fuckin’ WEIRDOS.
That’s the way we figure it anyway…
So, if you want to get your hands on this sweet-ass hooch – the DoomsWhiskey.com website has been launched and bottles can be ordered online for delivery in the U.S., subject to local liquor laws. MSRP for a 750 ml bottle is “$45-$50,” Smalls Hand said.
All joking aside, we are very proud of Joanna Angel and Smalls Hand. She has long been a friend of Popporn and, although I’ve been out of the porn game for several years, it looks like Smalls Hand is a guy who likes things that are cool. GOOD ENOUGH FOR US!
We now expect 5 free bottles shipped to the POPPORN offices immediatley