In an unprecedented move that is sure to send shockwaves throughout the music industry, sex toy juggernaut DOC JOHNSON is apparently launching some kind of traveling music tour involving a vending machine that shoots dildos or some shit at the crowd. Details are sparse at the moment, but we can only imagine that this will reinvent the music industry as we know it.
Here’s what we know right now. Doc Johnson has built some kind of sentient, music-producing, giant-ass pink vending machine-looking-like robot that not only has the ability to create what the kids these days call “sick ass beats” and “poppin’ fresh doughballs of melody” but also whams concert goers right in their ugly fucking faces with a shit-ton of lube or whatever AND THEY ARE SENDING IT OUT ON TOUR. The robot’s name is POP UP PLEASURE MACHINE, and you didn’t hear this from us… but I heard it’s better than MORKY DORKY AND THE BIG HONKIN’ SPADOOFS.
Rick “Raging Hard On” Slimline (pictured above) is rumored to be the lead guitarist on the POP UP PLEASURE MACHINE rock music tour.
AVN was able to get a quote about this weird fuckin’ shit from some fuckin’ dood over at Doc Johnson – “Our new campaign, the ‘Pop Up Pleasure Machine’, aims to expand our reach, and drive awareness of the Doc Johnson brand amongst a millennial audience in particular,” said Doc Johnson Marketing Executive Erica Braverman. “We’re finding that people, and millennial men and women especially, want to break the ‘sex toy taboo’ with us; and they also want to engage with brands in an authentic, experiential way.”
Now, I don’t know what the hell this “SEX TOY TABOO” that they’re talking about is, but I’ll bet my Greedo collection that it’s got something to do with North Korea. Damn Hollywood elites.. always trying to cram their liberal ideas down our fucking throats.
Willis “Japanese Style Bondage Rope” McKuglian (pictured above) is rumored to be playing bass guitar on the POP UP PLEASURE MACHINE rock music tour.
All politics aside, the cool thing about this tour is that no one fuckin’ knows when the fuck this fuckin’ shit is gonna pop up or what the fuck fuckin’ city its gonna be in on any given day. Apparently, concert appearances will be announced by following Doc Johnson’s social media bullshit. So, if you want to see a giant, pink vending machine full of lube and all kinds of pussy crap doing guitar solos- YOU BETTER GET ON THAT SOCIAL MEDIA BANDWAGON.
Chuck “Main Squeeze Dani Daniels Ultra Skyn” Stroker (pictured above) is rumored to be playing second bass guitar on the POP UP PLEASURE MACHINE rock music tour.
No word on who will be the opening act on this tour but there are a few rumors that I’ve been able to gather from the word on the street…
A TOASTER THAT LEAKS CUM
A REFRIGERATOR THAT ALSO FUCKS YOU
A WATCH THAT CONSTANTLY MAKES YOU WHACK OFF
A LIGHTSABER THAT YOU CAN PUT YOUR DICK IN BUT THEN YOUR DICK GETS ORDER 66’d
A CALCULATOR THAT SHOOTS TITS AT YOU WHEN YOU TYPE IN 80085
EDDIE & THE CRUISIES
Needless to say, you’re a dumb fucking piece of fucking ass-dripz if you don’t get out to catch one of these shows.
One of my insiders has snuck into a few tour rehearsals and she said, and I quote “THIS IS ABSOLUTELY NOT A MUSIC TOUR OF ANY KIND. I DON’T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS. IT IS SIMPLY A POP-UP CAMPAIGN FEATURING A SEX TOY VENDING MACHINE. WE JUST WANT TO GET OUR BRAND OUT THERE AND HELP BREAK DOWN BARRIERS. PLEASE STOP TEXTING ME. JUST BECAUSE WE MET AT AEE 8 YEARS AGO AND I SAID YOU WERE FUNNY DOES NOT MEAN I AM INTERESTED IN YOU. TEXT ME AGAIN AND I WILL HAVE YOUR LEGS BROKEN BY DALE DaBONE”
You heard it here first, fuckers! THIS TOUR IS GONNA ROCK!!!!!