Adult star Puma Swede is really good at bangin’ it out on camera. Obviously. That’s what makes her an “adult star” rather than just a nondescript “banged-out persona“. As it turns out, though, while Ms. Swede is clearly pretty big on working with various types of meat (that’s a euphemism for dicks and maybe pussy lips), her true desires lie more in the literal meat arena!
What we’re taking a long time to say (with stupid jokes, no less) is that Puma Swede is opening a burger restaurant called PUMA BURGER!
Hey dopes! Why aren’t you masturbating right now! You think you have something better to do with your lives? GET REAL! The next Starwar movie doesn’t come out for, like, two months and as far as we can tell, there’s nothing on your schedule between now and then, so you really should be spending that time getting the jit out of your bodies. Otherwise, it’s pretty likely that you’ll start cumming all over the movie theatre the first time fuckin’ General Hux shows up on screen, and then you’ll probably get ejected from the theatre and you won’t even get to see the major Porg-fuckin’ scene at the end (and lord knows you don’t want to miss that)!
(Editor’s note: if you don’t know what Porgs are…seriously, fuck you.)
Anyway, as long as you’re wasting your life (it’s okay, we all are), here are some good ways to pass the time and expel semen:
Popular, prolific, punk-dressing, punk-hair-having, porno princess JOANNA ANGEL and this dude named SMALLS HAND are releasing their own brand of whiskey for all you porn lovers who are so filled with shame from whacking off that you need to get big time loaded all the fuckin’ time!
The whiskey is called DOOM’S… which kind of seems weird since it isn’t Dr. Doom’s whiskey at all – it’s Joanna Angel’s and Smalls Hand’s. But hey, they’re the rich people and I’m not so WHO THE HELL AM I TO ARGUE?
Porn’s most treasured auteur, Greg Lansky, has once again waved his hands in the air and made fuckin’ magic! How, you might ask? By having noted porn newcomer Kendra Sunderland, perhaps best known as that girl who flashed her juggs in a library for some reason, in her first interracial gangbang!
As you’ll see in the trailer, the premise of the “epic” scene is pretty simple. Kendra goes over to her boyfriend’s house to hang out by his pool and soon, for some reason, starts blowing him in front of his friends. IT’S A TOTALLY NORMAL THING TO DO!
Anyway, watch the trailer and maybe you can have an orgasm!
I don’t know how many of you greazed-up, dickwackers and beave-polishers know this about me and the rest of the POPPORN crew – but there was once a time when we were big time fuckin’ porn screenwriters and directors. Hell, I was even nominated for BEST NON SEX PERFORMER like 4 times or some shit. Of course, I kept losing to either some dood who played Porno Bill Cosby or James BARF-A-LOT. But we all know how time has treated them…
Anyone who’s seen Spock BUCKTON in action should not be surprised to find that most women refuse to be in the same room with him. So, while we were lucky enough to score an interview with porn superstar Kimmy Granger, we were forced, once again, to conduct the interview from a minimum of 300 miles away, via satellite from our Pittsburgh offices.
A full US State’s distance between interviewer and interviewee was actually one of the conditions listed in the agreement Kimmy asked us to sign. Sigh…we’ll take it.
Hey! The weekend is here, and while many would use that to take in a show, go camping or maybe even work on a home improvement project, we know better than that. The weekend is, to anyone who knows a thing or two about enjoying life, a time to whack off as much as possible to as many things as possible!
With that in mind, our stellar VOD service happens to have a few suggestions for you! Read on to see POPPORN’s top5 VOD picks, but we’ll warn you…it might get a little bit disgusting!
In an unprecedented move that is sure to send shockwaves throughout the music industry, sex toy juggernaut DOC JOHNSON is apparently launching some kind of traveling music tour involving a vending machine that shoots dildos or some shit at the crowd. Details are sparse at the moment, but we can only imagine that this will reinvent the music industry as we know it.
A lot of people think it’s easy to be as wise and revered as we here at POPPORN are, but they’d be wrong. Sitting in judgment of all of God’s creations can be a tricky business, but someone has to do it, and if not us, who? Neil fucking Gorsuch? That guy can’t judge his way out of a dickhole competition!
(Wait, don’t leave yet! There’s pussy photos later in the article!)
Look, I don’t got a lota dough so I don’t buy my lunch often. But when I do, I’m usually looking for a delicious, steaming bowl of soup. The dictionary defines “soup” as a liquid dish, typically made by boiling meat, fish, or vegetable, etc., in stock or water but I just define it as liquid gold.
Today, I picked out a scrumptious white bean chili but GODDAMN THAT SOUP WAS HOT!