Brian Sloan, creator of the crowdfunded suckjob automaton known as the Autoblow, is back for more. And it ain’t just suckjobs this time!

In an effort to further the dream of coitus without connections, Mr. Sloan has returned to the public sphere with a brand new sex monstrosity called the “3fap”. Like the autoblow, it’s basically a series of beads that gently (or, actually, pretty vigorously) massage your cock until you jit inside of it, and then have to clean it out (which is an extra thrill for jizz enthusiasts, because it REALLY gets in there)! What makes the 3fap different is the fact that rather than being adorned with only a weird looking pair of small-enough-that-they-seem-really-creepy lips, this one’s got THREE unique sex holes for you to pork your load into!

“With 3fap, men can move past the boring sensation of the single dip and past the better but still commonplace double dip, to uncharted masturbatory territory: the triple dip,” Sloan said of his creation, maybe while on mescaline or something.

“Because of my invention, men can dip, dip again, and yes, dip again. I believe men will overlook my product’s strange appearance and focus on the only thing that really matters: their penises. I will continue for the rest of my life to work tirelessly on behalf of all men to create new and better masturbatory sensations. I will push beyond the triple dip.”

We’ve got literally NO FUCKING IDEA what the hell he’s talking about. Although “triple dipping” does sound like the sort of sex term we’d expect from a man who’s never encountered a real-life coitus scenario, so we’ll give him a pass on this one.

Besides, look at this guy. He’s very clearly a grade A lunatic.

If you’re not terrified, you’re not paying attention.

Also, can we take a moment to discuss the overall awfulness of the term “fap”? There’s no term for masturbation in existence that sounds more douchey than this fucking word. I have to imagine that it was coined by some mid-00’s dorm-room fuckboy while smoking shitty weed out a transparent orange neon water bong, listening to fucking Coheed & Cambria and, obviously, whacking off to a Vivid Paul Thomas-helmed murder mystery, because when the word “fap”, this is the fucking scene that comes to mind. Just, y’know, try to have some fucking dignity, people. Call it whacking off, stroking it, stroking it big time, jerking your pud or any other surely hilarious slang term you can come up with. But if you call it “fapping”, you might as well have the word “noice” tattooed on your fucking forehead.

Anyway, the 3fap has just hit the market, and while you’re waiting to get yours, you can purchase the Autoblow from us at POPPORN! Two of us tried it and one of us liked it!


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