“Hey stupid! Turn of that Skrillex or whatever the fuck you’re listening to, because porn stars are making tunes for you!
Sure, you’re used to having pornographers assault your eyes – what with all the cunts and dicks and jit and spit and gapes and whatnot – but did you know that they can also assault your ears?! It’s true! Today we’ll take a look at two much-beloved porn personalities, both of whom are established musicians in their own right. They’ll get one tune each to prove themselves and the onus will be on you – the supergenius whose life choices somehow led them here to POPPORN (nice going, IDIOT) – to cast judgment and decide…WHO GOT THE BETTER TUNES?!
TUNE #1: Carter Cruise: Everybody Nose Me
Sorry to say, we’re gonna be a little biased right off the bat, because we here at POPPORN kinda love the fuck outta Carter Cruise. Not that our love will help us decipher the song’s title or its meaning. Given that there aren’t really a whole lot of other words in the whole thing aside from the fact that people apparently won’t stop “nosing” her, we’re left with no choice but to assume it’s some kind of metaphor for something. Maybe boogs. Or whatever.
According to music critic and youtube commenter Petrucci Ibiza, “I‘m not pleased with song quality. You guys tried to mix few genres in it , but it leans too much on freaking dumbstep.” Harsh words, Petrucci!
TUNE #2: Rodney Moore: Goodbye Hello
Though we’ll quickly admit that the late-period Leonard Cohen look is a sweet fuckin’ choice that suits the King of Cream well, we gotta say that Rodney Moore’s got a bit of an uphill battle to fight here. For one thing, his song doesn’t even mention “nosing” anyone, which has him losing points to Carter right off the bat, at least in terms of cultural relevance. The REO Speedwagon-esque vibe of the tune doesn’t help. But Rodney jits like a champ and his cat seems pretty cool (jump to 4:40 if you don’t know what I mean), so whatever!
Upon hearing the tune, Craig Haylett of Norfolk couldn’t hold in his acclaim: “Could you please do a cover of the song “Bad Moon Rising” and dedicate it to James from Norfolk in England?” Not totally relevant to the debate at hand, Craig, but we get how fucked up all you guys are over Brexit and the movie Braveheart and stuff, so we’ll let it slide!
You be the judge, chubs!